why are feelings so complicated?

so many things running through my mind....work...life....

the drive home after meeting up with the gang brought about many questions and thoughts. so many things that i'd like to do but never got to doing it. why? what's holding me back? call it excuses or whatever, but after much thoughts, it mainly boils downs to 2 main circumstances: TIME and MONEY. but i guess i shouldn't let that stop me from executing what i really want to do...especially with so many things happening around me...LIFE'S SHORT!

read a friend's blog and her latest post was about matters concerning love. can't agree more with her about getting over it and moving along. somehow, it seems easier said than done, in REALITY. theoratically, it all seems rather simple but when it comes to execution, there will always be some sort of barrier that stops us. wonder what could be the devil that holds us back? what i can think of in this instant is the conflict between rationale and emotions. we try to tell ourselves that we have to get this solved, over and done with...but somehow or rather, emotions always get in the way and cloud our minds with what we actually want to do. this affects the rationale side as well as the heart. why does it have to be this way? i salute to those of you who could actually stick by your decision on what to do and not let emotions take over. i, for one, am trying very hard to work things out myself.....the conflict between emotions and rationale.

next comes the part of why do we put up an invisible shield like as though everything's fine and well on our side? is it ego? it is guilt? is it.........(can't think of anything else at the moment). one thing i can't get (and i'm guilty of it as well i guess) is that why do we have these invisible shields? why do we stop ourselves from moving on and proceeding? is it due to the fear of being hurt again? fear of making the wrong moves or decisions?

but heck! this is L-I-F-E! everything is a gamble. there's no sure win. you win some you lose some. what is the meaning of life if you take the risk and gamble? it's just about the calculated risk that you're taking. but then again, you've got nobody to blame if you made the wrong decision nor could you blame yourself, coz if you never tried, you never know. decisions...decisions.....some could lead to a good outcome, some bad...but nevertheless, no matter how bad it is, there's always a lesson to be learnt from it. most importantly is to pick yourself up and move on. don't stay put at that situation and cry and get all depressed about it. be strong and learn the lesson out of it. as the saying goes, "once bitten, twice shy". you're never right all the time. every bad thing that happens, there are reasons to it. personally, i'd look at it as a blessing in disguise, especially if it's something that you discovered in the early stages that you were wrong. that doesn't mean if you found out about it in the later stages, it's the end of everything. tell yourself this, BE STRONG AND CALM. so what if you feel like breaking down. chill! you're just himan and it's just human to do that. trust me, that's one hell of a better way to vent it out rather than hurting yourself.

what's left for me to say here is don't be afraid to make the wrong decisions or move. learn a lesson from the downfalls. a simple metaphor would be a child. before he/she could walk, there would be many falls and injuries. though it hurts but at least the child knows what to do in the future, preventing himself/herself from falling down and hurting themself.

as an end for this long neverending post, i'd like to thank you for reading it from start till end. whether it makes sense to you or not, it's up to you to think about it. though i'm not too good with poems like what many people would be, i'd like to quote the words of these rap, which seems more REAL to me without having to think too deeply:

Over and Over
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it’s on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I can’t wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it’s a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I Can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now and this chose I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I Can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

(Now that I’ve realizes that I’m going down
From all this pain you’ve put me thought
Every time I close my eyes I like it ?
I can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it’s all in my head


N Dey Say
Yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah,
Let's Go

Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhhh ohh ohhhhhhhh
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhh ohhh ohh

Hold up stop now let me get a look at ya,
Damn girl I ain't seen you since prom,
Come to think about it I can't believe its been that long,
I heard your man locked down now how long he gone.... Oh dat long
How the hell he get time like that?
Three strikes with possession, aww he ain't comin back,
He left you with 2 kids and bills all around,
Plus you found out he had another chick cross-town,
It's always the darkness right before the sun rises
And you gotta stay strong for the kids in their eyes and
Please don't despise and go against all brothers and
have a hatred in your heart and take it out on another,
I hate to sound Tupacish now momma but keep your head up,
But you gon' make it I promise you keep your head up
And that, that don't kill you only makes you stronger
And the will to succeed will only feed the hunger,
Fo' Real (Fo' Real, Fo' Real)

[Chorus]
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhhh ohh ohhhhhhhh
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhh oh ohh

I was at the gas station and a man walked past
With his sign will work for food, clothes or cash
and he asked if he could pump my gas, so I let him
Clean the windshield and throw out the trash, so I let him (Hey)
I even asked a brother his name, where he was from, got kids man
and what's their ages
He kinda stuttered for a second, he kinda looked surprised that
anyone would even take an interest in his life
He said young brother dem the only words I done heard in the last
year that wasn't no
or get the fuck away from here
How could somthin so simple as general conversation
Mean much more than general conversation? (Hey)
You could tell life had beaten him down
Like he was in the title fight and this might be his last round
Sometimes the easiest things we take for granted
Until they gone, then realise we even had it,
Fo' Real (Fo' Real, Fo' Real)

[Chorus]
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhhh ohh ohhhhhhhh
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhh oh ohhhhh

I used to think that life had a plan for me
Until I realised life had to be planned by me, see that's the key
I only deal with what I can see cause over history, mystery brought
us nothin but misery
Man more people done died in the name of the lord
Than in any natural disaster, disease or gangwars
Before guns there was swords and they was killin each other
and what's changed to this day still killin each other
Killin a brother while another mother cries for help
Man! we need to help a brother find themself
Feed em light 1, 2, 3
Hey! that's something every brother should see and that's Fo' Real,
and that's Fo' Real, and that's Fo' Real

[Chorus]
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhhh ohh ohhhhhhhh
Ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhh
N dey say ohhhhh ohhh ohh